


Losing Grasp of Control

by TheMangledSans0508



Series: Shades of Creek [8]
Category: South Park
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24432166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMangledSans0508/pseuds/TheMangledSans0508
Summary: Tweek Tweak wanted a way out. He wanted a way to not hurt anymore. He wanted a way to take the burden of himself off his boyfriend. No matter the cost.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Series: Shades of Creek [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1771153
Comments: 6
Kudos: 109





	Losing Grasp of Control

Tweek Tweak considered himself the most fucked-up person in the entirety of South Park, which was quite an achievement considering he went to school with actual sociopaths, murderers, and drug dealers.

Yet there he was, a cocktail of addiction, anxiety, ADHD, and depression. He felt extremely alone, despite all the years he had to make friends and come to terms with himself. One of two kids out as gay, and very few adults in their town understanding, much less out themselves; he had no one to talk to. 

Just thinking about it made him want to curl up into a ball and suffocate.

And he tried.

He wrapped himself up in blankets and cried.

He cried for what felt like ages before he got sick of feeling miserable from the stale air that had just enough oxygen in it to keep him alive. 

He crawled out and sat on the edge of his bed, shaking violently. Why did he want this to happen? Why didn’t he want to be alive?

Mr. Mackey had lectured them many, many times on what to do if you or someone you knew felt like they wanted to kill themselves, and Tweek wouldn’t hesitate to act if someone else felt the same way he did.

So why didn’t he care about himself?

He thought back to fourth grade when Kim Jong Un marked him as a possible target if war were to break out and Craig brought him to an amusement park.

_“Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby!”_

That exchange had only been a minute long, but Tweek had never forgotten it. Craig was right, he wasn’t in control of his emotions. For fuck’s sake, he wasn’t even in control of his movements.

He wasn’t in control of anything. He snapped back to the present from the pain of his hair being torn out by himself, and he tried to stop himself.

His movements were involuntary, even when putting his force against them he couldn’t stop himself.

He screamed in frustration. He didn’t care if anyone heard him, because he knew from experience that nobody would do anything even if he was being murdered. His own parents didn’t care for him. The only reason his dad kept him was because having a kid helped his coffee shop. As he got older, his dad also got free labour out of him as the form of “chores.”

His hands flew from his hair to his arms, tearing up his skin to the point he bled. He looked down to see the mess and rushed to the bathroom to prevent his room from turning into a crime scene.

He stared at himself in the mirror. Small patches of hair missing from his scalp, large bags under his eyes that served to highlight the tears running down his face. There were scratches down his cheeks from his nails dragging down his face and when he raised his hand to feel them, his arms showed a nightmare of red lines intersecting so much that they looked like a terrible map. 

He reached for the bandages under the counter and felt a flash of pain from a tear dropping onto an open wound on his arm. He bit back a yelp of pain and a horrible idea came to him. Maybe he could take out his anger and frustration and self-hate on something.

On _someone_. 

He reached for a razor in the cabinet.

Maybe there was something he could control.

~

Craig Tucker liked to call himself a “good boyfriend.”

Sure, he wasn’t perfect, nobody was. He still had spats with his lover just as everyone else did. However, as they aged and matured, those spats stopped being physical very quickly as they aged and by eleven they were purely verbal. 

They didn’t have them frequently either, and they didn’t last very long. 

So, as a good boyfriend would be, he was concerned when Tweek didn’t come to school. He tried texting him, then calling him to no avail. He didn’t like that, Tweek would usually tell him if he was sick, or pick up the phone when Craig called. 

“Craig, dude,” Token said, “maybe he’s asleep or something.” 

“He doesn’t sleep Token. He breathes coffee,” Craig sighed.

“Okay, maybe he left his phone somewhere,” Clyde offered. Craig nodded.

“Probably.” Craig could hear the static noise of his friends talking about girls, football, or other things he would usually be amused by.

Concerned was not something that people would normally think Craig Tucker was capable of being. Once upon a time, they were probably right. Tweek taught him how to comprehend emotions instead of pretending they didn’t exist, even if he still preferred not to express them.

Tweek brought out the best in him. Craig helped him find his center. They balanced each other out pretty well. 

Craig would be lying, however, if he said he didn’t keep secrets from Tweek. His secrets weren’t anything terrible like he murdered someone or he was cheating on Tweek, but that he had anxiety himself.

He never told Tweek because he decided early on he could deal with it himself. He was constantly worried that something would happen to Tweek or any of his other friends. With the town that they lived in and the fact that he had actually been kidnapped and dragged to Peru once, he felt those fears were justified. 

While he would never claim his anxiety was nearly as bad as Tweek's, it had given him his fair share of sleepless nights and long days.

Situations like this had happened a few times before and never failed to set off his anxiety.

Perhaps his friends were onto his lies, or maybe they could simply tell that this was bothering him more than he would let on, but they gave him some space.

He appreciated that.

~

Tweek sat on his bed, staring at his arm. His room was littered with lego bricks, empty coffee cups, and bandage wrappers.

While he was in general rather prone to accidentally hurting himself, the sheer amount of fresh wounds dancing down his arms exposed what actually occurred.

He couldn’t risk anyone finding out about it, especially Craig. 

He loved him too much and did not want him to have the burden of this on his shoulders, he already had the burden of Tweek to deal with. He couldn’t imagine what he would say when he found out.

_If_ he found out.

Tweek had no intention of telling him, and he wouldn’t let him see them either. 

But he couldn’t skip school forever. 

He sighed in frustration. He didn’t know specifically what he was feeling. Anger, sadness, frustration, regret, or maybe a mix of it all.

He felt lost.

~

Craig inserted his copy of Tweek’s house key into the lock.

They both had a key to each other’s house, and they had for a long time. Since they began dating to be exact. They respected each other’s privacy though, and if Tweek told him to leave, he would. 

He opened the door and poked his head in. The house was dark, which didn’t really surprise him since both the matriarch and the patriarch of the family were working in the coffee shop.

“Tweek? Are you in here?” he called

The house was still, yet Craig went in anyways. He shut the door behind him and flicked on the light. There was no one downstairs, so he swiftly moved to the second floor and approached Tweek’s room. He knocked on the door gently.

“Tweek?” Craig listened for a response. He heard nothing but quiet breathing on the other side. “Tweek, is it alright if I come in?”

The boy on the other side remained silent.

“Tweek?” 

“Go away, Craig.” His voice was sad and quiet, and the promise Craig had made got lost in the wind.

“What’s wrong Tweek?” Craig couldn’t stop the worry from flowing out in his voice, even though he tried.

“I’m sick Craig. Just go away. I don’t want to see you right now.” Tweek’s voice shook as he spoke, along with small jitters and whimpers. Craig could tell something was wrong and turned the doorknob.

He gently pushed against the door and to his surprise, it didn’t open. There was a weight against the door. It wasn’t heavy, well _he_ wasn’t heavy. Craig knew exactly who was against the door. Tweek was never heavy, not even when they were little. He had gotten scrawnier and scrawnier as they aged since sometimes his anxiety made him just not be hungry, or even scared to eat. He would also forget, or be full from drinking so much coffee even though he drank far less than he used to. 

Craig stopped pushing and heard the door quickly snap back into its place with a click. He wasn’t going to force the door open and possibly hurt Tweek, he wouldn’t risk that.

“Craig, please. Just-” he heard his voice break, “Please.” His voice broke, along with Craig’s last straw. 

He silently went back down the stairs and out the house, turning to look up at Tweek’s window. The shades were drawn and the room behind them was dark, but he was almost sure there was a pair of eyes watching him before retreating back into the dark room. 

Craig turned to look at the twin pines that grew next to the house. They had been there for longer than either boy had been alive, and had grown past the height of the window.

He walked over to the lush green plant and grabbed a hold of it’s lower branches, hoisting himself up. He repeated the movement multiple times until he was at the tip of the tree. The entire tip shuddered with his every breath and threatened to snap with his every movement. 

The tree leaned over slightly, allowing Craig to reach over and tap the window. It flew open and Tweek pulled open that shade.

“Craig! What the hell are you doing?”

“Hanging out," he deadpanned, "Can I come in?”

Tweek cursed under his breath and reached his hands out. Craig accepted them and jumped into the window, cutting his legs on the branches of the tree. He tumbled through the window, landing on top of Tweek with an “oof.” He felt the stinging in his leg and realised trying to climb into a window from a pine tree (or any tree in general) was a terrible idea.

“Tweek-”

“Craig, what the _fuck_?” Tweek panted. “Why did you fucking do that?”

Craig looked at the blonde boy underneath him. He was terribly skinny, something Craig had always been able to write off as his clothes being too big because his mother simply bought what she thought would look cute, but now it was highlighted by the fact that even his green shirt hung off his body. The bags under his eyes were huge and his face was tear-stained and scratched. 

“Tweek, I know something’s wrong.” Craig pushed himself off Tweek and offered to help him up. Tweek simply stared at him, mouth slightly agape.

“You’re an idiot, Craig. Why don’t you ever just listen to me?” He looked down and let out a quiet sob and before looking back up at Craig. “I’m a mess. What the hell do you want from me?” Craig lowered himself down to the floor and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Tweek, I want to know what’s wrong. We have to work together through these things, remember? Beat them together, expectations, resentment, all of it.”  
Tweek pushed Craig’s hand off him and jumped up.

“You want to know what’s wrong? What’s wrong is the fact that no matter what I do, I have _no_ control over my life! Something that only I should control! Me and me alone! Everyone else controls it! I never became a knight or a queen, I’m still just a pawn in someone else’s fucking game! And guess what, pawns are expendable! I’m expendable. I’m not needed. That’s what’s wrong! I’m only a fucking tool for the entire world to use!” 

Tweek waved his hands, exasperated. His voice shuddered with every word he said, tears ran down his cheeks. He twitched and whimpered every few seconds. His hands tore across his body, flying from his arms to his shirt to his hair.

Craig stepped forward and embraced him. He pulled him tight against his body and felt him tense up and wince slightly. Tweek pushed against him slightly in a poor attempt to break free of his grip, before he simply caved in and buried his face into Craig’s shoulder. 

“I-I’m just replaceable Craig. My parents didn’t have to sell me into slavery because I’m already a slave to them. They control me, Craig.” 

“What can we do about that, Tweek? There has to be something.” Craig tangled one of his hands in Tweek’s hair and had the other one rub circles into his back. His voice was not sarcastic or mocking, but gentle and genuine.

“I don’t know, Craig. I’ve tried so many things, so many things. Nothing works, Craig. Nothing.”

“Let’s try something else then. Something together. You don’t have to do this alone, Tweek.” Craig lowered them down to the floor, sitting with his legs crossed and Tweek in his lap. “We can run away together. Get our own house.”

“We can’t do that. Your sister needs you. She’s only thirteen.” 

“Fine. I’ll take you home with me then. You can live in my room.” Tweek shook his head.

“No, no. All these things put stress on you too. I want to deal with it myself,” he scolded. Craig sighed.

“I won’t let you do that. The whole point of a relationship is to deal with things together. If I can’t help you directly, then I want to be able to at least support you.”

“Where were you when I needed you? Why aren’t you ever here when I need you?” Tweek pushed himself out of Craig’s grip and stood up. “Why the fuck does everything go the shit when I’m not with you?” He shouted.

“What do you mean, Tweek?” Craig slowly stood up and put his hands into his pockets.

“I mean why am I even more of a fucking mess without you?” Tweek’s hands flew up to his hair, causing his sleeves to slip down. 

Craig didn’t miss the small movement, he had become very perceptive since they had started dating. He noticed the red lines and scabs weaving down his arms. He reached his hand over to intertwine their fingers and grab his attention.

“Tweek, what happened to your arms?”

“Huh?” Tweek looked down to the subject of Craig’s curiosity. When he realised what it was he attempted to pull himself out of Craig’s grip. “It’s nothing! I just fell!” 

Craig’s grip strengthened just enough to keep a hold on Tweek but not enough to hurt him.

“Tweek, those weren’t from a fall.” Craig locked his own green eyes with Tweek’s yellow and blue ones. “Tell me the truth, Tweek. What are they from.” 

“What the fuck do you think they are from? You aren’t dumb,” he snapped. They may have had fights before, but not often anymore and never were his words as bitter as those specifically. 

Something broke within Craig. He lurched forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Tweek. He pressed his full weight into him. For the first time in perhaps ever, he had no control over himself.

They toppled backwards onto Tweek’s bed. Craig manoeuvred them so they weren’t at risk of falling off the bed and rested his head so his ear was directly above Tweek’s heart.

“Dude, what the hell?”

“What were you thinking?” Craig’s voice was different. It wasn’t monotone or bland, it was raw and emotional and occasionally breaking. “Why would you do that?”

“I was in control. I knew what I was doing. Nobody was in charge of me.”

“Yeah, well, you could have fucking died! Those could have gotten infected. They could have gone too deep and cut a vein! Is a brief relief really worth that risk?” Craig let out a quiet sob and gripped Tweek’s shirt.

Everything hit Tweek suddenly. He wiggled out from under Craig to lay beside him instead. He placed his hands on his cheeks and pressed their foreheads together.

“Hey, hey, I know it was stupid, okay? I’m not going to do it again.” Tweek whispered.

“You better not,” Craig muttered.

“And if I’m feeling like shit,” Tweek continued, “I’ll call you or text you to come over.”

“Or you can come over to my place,” Craig countered.

“Yeah, that’s true.”

Craig pulled Tweek against his body. He moved his arms from his shirt to his waist and pulled him down so he could rest his chin on his head.

“Well, I’m tired,” he yawned. “Text my mom and tell her I’m staying here tonight.”

“Why can’t you do it?” Tweek asked.

“Well, because I’m about to take a nap.”

“Wait, right now?”

“Yep.”

“Oh no you don’t,” Tweek said, “I have stuff I need to do.”

“Not anymore you don’t” Craig grumbled. “All you need to do is stay right here. I’m not moving until it’s time for school.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“Well, we’ll have a terrible marriage then.”

“How the fuck are you even tired?” Tweek inquired.

“I’ve been worried about your ass all day. Makes a guy tired.”

“Dude, it’s like four.”

“Don’t care. Naptime.”

“Dude, I can’t even text your mom cause you have me trapped here.”

“Guess she doesn’t need to know then.”

“You’re a pain in the ass. You’re lucky I love you,” Tweek mumbled.

“Yes, yes I really am.”

~

It had been maybe three months since Tweek’s “accident.” His first slip-up, so many different things it could be called that attempted to change the meaning of what he had done. He knew what he had done and if you asked him, he’d tell you point-blank.

He cut himself. There was no sugar-coating that, and he still felt like shit. 

He had always felt like shit, it just got worse as he got older. It got so bad he couldn’t handle it anymore, and now he really couldn’t take it anymore. 

The day after he told Craig he wouldn’t do it again, he did it again. At first, he did it because he controlled it. Now, it was because he felt like he deserved it. He enjoyed the pain for that sole reason. 

He also made sure that Craig would not find out again. He changed from marring his arms to his upper thighs and stomach. They hadn’t seen each other bareass in a long, long time if they even ever had. He also always wore something that hung over his boxers in the case they rolled up just enough to expose the lines. That also worked to hide his stomach.

All that led up to here, an early Thursday morning that entailed him skipping school once again, except this time texting Craig and telling him he was sick.

He was passed his breaking point. He felt trapped, alone, useless. He wouldn’t let Craig know. He couldn’t let Craig know. 

Craig had to deal with everything. Tweek’s clinginess, Tweek’s anxiety, just Tweek in general. He got the shortest stick in the world and he didn’t deserve it. Tweek wished he could apologize for everything that he put Craig through.

He stood at the bathroom sink, staring in the porcelain bowl. Flicking the handle on, he watched the water pour out of the faucet and run down the drain. He ran his blade under the water to clean it from blood, his expression pained as he watched the thicker substance dilute. 

His stomach and thighs both stung slightly from his own attacks.

He didn’t want to be here, he never had. He didn’t want to be someone else’s toy. He didn’t want to be a burden to his lover. He had to find a way out. 

He remembered his prescriptions tucked in the cabinet. He grabbed them and poured a handful out. Taking them and then scooping some water into his mouth, he swallowed hard. He looked into the mirror for the last time, smiling sadly.

This is what he wanted, right? This would fix everything. He still had some time left, he decided to find something to do. Something to apologize to Craig for having to deal with him for so long.

~

Craig felt like something was wrong. A veil of dread had been over him since he had gotten out of bed. Something was off, this day would not end well.

He figured it was just him overreacting, nothing was amiss. The only thing different than normal was that Tweek was sick, but that wasn’t a big deal. He probably just had a cold or something similar.

He’d visit him after school to take care of him.

But he couldn’t shake the feeling no matter how hard he tried.

~

The house was empty when Craig arrived, which wasn’t unusual given the time of day. He knocked on the doorframe to no response, just deafening silence. 

“Babe?” He called. He scanned the first floor and finding no signs of people he hurried up the stairs.

He didn’t like this. It gave him deja vu. He knocked on Tweek’s door and waited a second. He heard nothing. When he tried the doorknob he found it was locked.

He frowned. This was not normal.

He fished into his pocket to pull out a lockpick. He had never left home without them since his time as Feldspar.

He tested every angle until he found the perfect one, opening the door as fast as he could.

His eyes fell on Tweek who was hunched over his desk, unmoving. His breathing was irregular, with large spaces in between breaths.

Craig panicked. He ran over, placing his hand over Tweek’s heart.

There were long pauses in between beats and Craig dialed 911.

~

Craig stared into the concrete beneath his feet. Tears rolled down his face, gently hitting the ground. The ambulance’s sirens blared in his ears but he refused to look. He couldn’t bring himself to. He just sat there. He heard footsteps come up next to him.

“Hey. I’m sorry that you had to come across a scene like this.” The person sat down next to him and rubbed his shoulder.

“There’s no easy way to handle something like this. I know. I know well. We’re doing the best we can to take care of him.” Craig remained silent, his eyes remaining fixated on the road.

“There was something on the desk. My gut tells me it’s meant for you.” They placed a folded paper into Craig’s hand before standing. “This is something that can change a person. If you need support, reach out to your friends. Reach out to family and if you need to contact the hotline don’t hesitate.” They brushed themself off and after one pat they left.

Craig didn’t move, not even after the ambulance left. He stayed there for hours. When he finally moved he looked over the paper the EMT had handed him.

_Craig_.

Tweek’s handwriting was messy, something that immediately told him who wrote it. The paper was tear-stained all over and all the writing was increasingly harder to read.

_Craig,_

_I’m sorry you had to deal with me for so long. I know I’m trouble. I’m not worth all the pain you put yourself through for me. I refuse to watch you waste your potential. You will be great, your story will continue. You’ll find someone and settle down and you’ll be happy. For me, everything ends here._

_I won’t be anyone’s toy anymore. I won’t be used for anyone’s benefit. I won’t do anything for people who don't care for me._

_You do care for me, but I drag you down. I know I do. You are also the only one who cares._

_I’m taking the constant variable in both situations out. Everything will be better. Please move on._

_I love you._

_Tweek._

Craig’s tears started painting the paper even more. His whole body shook as he let out a sob. He poured out his phone and typed as best he could.

**[The boys are back and down]**

Richmom: Sure Clyde

Cry: It’s true

Great Comedian: Sure

18:52

Guys can we pls hang at Token’s tonight

Richmom: Why man what’s wrong

Y or n

Richmom: Fine 

~

Craig’s head leaned against the back of Token’s couch as the static of his friend’s talking filled his ears.

“Dude.”

“Craig.”

“I lost my virginity.”

“That’s a funnier joke than most of my routines.”

Craig glared over at them, seeing Token’s similar expression.

“Bro, you’re the one who wanted to chill,” Clyde pointed out. Craig looked away, his frown growing deeper.

“What’s wrong man?” Token sat on the couch. Craig put his hands on his face. Token wrapped his arm around his shoulder and placed the other one on his arm.

“Are you okay? I mean you being an asshat is normal, but you’re not even saying anything. We’re here for you.” Token’s eyes were filled with concern as he spoke. Craig glanced over at his friends, all of them with similar expressions to Token. He leaned into Token’s touch. His friends loved him like he was their brother, and he loved them as well.

Even if he was bad at showing it.

“It- it’s Tweek he-” Craig’s voice broke and he shook. Clyde jumped to the other side of Token and Jimmy went to Craig’s side. Clyde leaned over Token’s shoulder and grabbed Craig, pulling them all over in a hug.

The tangled mess of all four boys against the side of the couch was a sight to see. Craig stuck in the middle with Token, Jimmy on top and everyone held down by Clyde’s arms. Neither Craig or Token were rather amused with the predicament but neither protested either.

“Group therapy! Now talk you queer!” Clyde grinned. 

“You’re the queer one,” Craig mumbled. Jimmy laughed.

“Whatever guys. Craig, it’s up to you if you keep talking about it or not,” Token sighed. 

“Tweek, he’s in the hospital. He-” Jimmy added his arms to seal Token and Craig in place. Token rubbed Craig’s back.

“What happened? Do you know?”

“He left me a letter.” Token’s eyes widened in realisation and he too put his arms around Craig.

“How did he do it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“I don’t know. He’s in a coma.” Craig felt tears run out of his eyes once again. He felt embarrassed. He hadn’t really cried in front of his friends before. 

“Well we will visit him as soon as we can,” Token said.

“We?”

“ Yeah, he might be your boyfriend but he’s our friend too.” Token looked to Jimmy and Clyde, who nodded in agreement.

“As soon as we can, we will visit him. All four of us,”

“W-why does the bicycle need five wheels?” Jimmy joked. 

Craig weakly smiled. They eventually separated after comforting words and an almost brawl between Craig and Clyde but remained close for the rest of the night.

~

Tweek woke up in an unfamiliar room. The room was a blinding white with machines and beeping. He looked around, inspecting his new surroundings. There was an IV in his arm, a mask on his face, and a doctor next to him. The doctor said some words that buzzed in his ears before he fell asleep again.

The next time he woke up the mask was off but the IV was still in. The doctor was gone this time. The room was otherwise the same until he looked towards the door.

Token leaned against the wall in the corner, his arms crossed and a frown on his face. He motioned besides Tweek, drawing his attention to the chair beside him. Tweek saw a mess of black hair and a blue hoodie resting next to him, his hand gripping Tweek’s.

“You guys are going to have to talk about this,” Token chided “he has been refusing to leave. The only time they can kick him out is when visiting hours are over. Otherwise, he’s here. No school, no home, no hanging out with friends. He’s been here with you.” Token grabbed a chair and dragged it over, placing it near the cot. 

“He didn’t listen to me,” Tweek said.

“You are as dumb as him sometimes. He’s stubborn, you’re stubborn, and you both refuse to listen to common sense. You really thought he would listen to you telling him to move on? No, I’ve known this ass since diaper days. He really likes you, Tweek. I’ve rarely ever seen him cry when we were little, and this is the first time he’s cried in front of me in years. And it’s not just him that this affected, we were really upset too.” Token looked Tweek in the eyes, his frown growing smaller.

“We’re your friends too Tweek. We don’t want to lose you as much as Craig doesn’t. We were all scared, Tweek. You were out for four days. Nobody knew if you were going to wake up. Then when you did wake up, the doctor said you fell right back to sleep. Tweek, what you did was really fucking dumb,” Token sighed.

“But you aren’t stupid Tweek. You’re dumb sometimes, but you’re not clinically stupid like Clyde. You and Craig have to talk about this, he’s the one who found you. You’ll both make it through. Next time though, reach out to us. Don’t try this again.” He got up, pushing his chair against the wall. He reached his hand over to place it over both Tweek and Craig’s squeezing them both gently.

“You won’t lose this fight, Tweek. We’re here with you.” Token let them go and left the room, leaving Tweek with a sleeping Craig.

~ 

Tweek kept his eyes locked on Craig, holding his hand but afraid to move his body closer. He didn’t want to accidentally rip his IV out or damage anything. He wanted to escape, he didn’t want to have a conversation and have to see Craig’s disappointment in him. He wanted to go back to sleep, he wanted to leave.

His train of panicked thoughts was interrupted by Craig stirring. His hand tightly gripping Tweek’s as he hesitantly opened his eyes. Their eyes met and Craig’s eyes filled with tears. He remained in this seat but tightly grasped Tweek’s hand with both his.

“Craig, I-”

“Tweek, I was so scared. I thought you were gone. I thought that was it. Tweek, I have never felt like that before.” Craig held Tweek’s hand to his face, breathing deeply.

“When can I get out of here? I want to go home,” Tweek whispered his words. He felt terrible about everything, about putting Craig through all this, for putting his friends through it, for doing everything to them.

“The doctor said a day or two more, then you’re out.” Tweek sighed in relief.

“Craig, when I’m out of here, we’ll talk about this, I swear,” Tweek promised. Craig closed his eyes and leaned further into Tweek’s hand. 

“We will. We definitely will.”

~

Craig held Tweek’s hand tight as they left the hospital and were walking to the car. He gripped him like he was going to disappear, or that Craig was in a dream and could wake up at any moment. 

The car ride home was silent, Craig’s hand keeping Tweek’s own on the console despite Tweek’s insistence he should keep his hands on the wheel. Both were afraid to speak, afraid to say the wrong thing and make the other mad. 

When they finally got to Craig’s house, he unlocked the door quickly. 

“Do you want to stay down here or go upstairs?” Craig asked.

“Upstairs,” Tweek responded. Craig nodded and went up the stairs, still holding Tweek’s hand. He only let go when they were in his room, moving to sit in the chair by his desk. Tweek sat on the bed and Craig dragged the chair over to sit across from him. He reclaimed Tweek’s hands and rubbed his thumbs in circles on the back of them.

“Tweek, why did you do that? I want to understand,” Craig said.

“Craig, I don’t know how to explain it.”

“We have forever to talk about it, but we need to talk about this. I need to understand. I want to be able to understand. I want to be able to help you through this,” Craig’s voice was weak and strained. Tweek averted his eyes to the floor.

“I feel useless, Craig. I don’t help with anything. Actually, I just make everything worse. I’m someone else’s playing piece in a larger game. My dad doesn’t actually love me. Everyone thinks I’m crazy. I’m just dragging you down, I’m a burden on you. I mean, look at all this! You skipped school every day from Friday last week to Friday this week. Because of me. I feel alone. I’m scared to talk about it. I just wanted to escape. I wanted to free you from me. I didn’t want anything to happen besides those things. To escape and to relieve you of your burden of me,” Tweek spoke fast, his words tumbling over one another in an attempt to get it out as quickly as possible.

Craig got up and sat on the bed, pulling Tweek up onto his lap. He put his head over Tweek’s heart, listening to the steady beat.

“Tweek, you aren’t useless. You don’t need to constantly do things in order to be worth something. You aren’t a playing piece, you’re a protagonist in your own story. You have to fight the antagonist, even if the antagonist is yourself. If people think you’re crazy then they have to look at the town we live in. You aren’t dragging me down, you’re helping me be happy. I skipped school because I wanted to be there to support you when you woke up, and you would have done the same for me. I know you. I understand you’re scared, I would be too. But talk to me so we can figure this out together. I know you want to escape, but there are better ways than dying.” Craig took deep breaths as he spoke, trying hard not to cry again. “I never want to feel your heart as slow as I did.”

Tweek wrapped himself around Craig, resting his chin atop his head. He had forgotten that Craig had been the one to find him. 

“The letter you wrote to me, Tweek, you said I’d settle down and be happy. And I will, but your story does not end here. I will settle down and be happy with you. There is no other path I’d rather take. Only this one. The one where we’re happy. I could never be as happy with anyone else as I am with you.” Craig’s voice was raw and vulnerable. He was scared that whenever he blinked Tweek would be gone, that his partner would just vanish out of his arms. 

“I don’t get what you see in me, Craig,” Tweek muttered.

“I see my best friend, my boyfriend, a caring man, a smart student, a hard worker, and someone who has quirks just like everyone else in the galaxy,” Craig rattled off, tapping his fingers behind Tweek’s back. 

“You aren’t going to stop, are you?”

“No.” Tweek laughed, something Craig was eager to listen to for the rest of his life.

“Tweek, please, promise me you won’t do anything like this again.” The brief smile that had adorned Tweek’s face quickly faded.

“I lied to you last time I made a promise to you, you shouldn’t trust me again,” Tweek mumbled.

“You lied to me? Wait, Tweek, that means-”

“Exactly what you think it means.” Tweek was glad he wasn’t able to look Craig in the eyes if he wanted to because he sure as hell did not want to after saying that.

“Show me where,” Craig gently demanded in a tone that told Tweek if he was uncomfortable he could refuse. He compiled, however, pulling up his shirt enough to show the permanent marks now embedded in his skin. There were a lot, even in his opinion.

Which meant that in Craig’s opinion, it was about ten times worse.

“Is that all of them?” He asked. Tweek shook his head in response, pulling his pants down slightly to roll up his boxers enough to show the ones decorating his thighs. Craig was silent even as Tweek covered himself up again.

“I’m sorry, Craig,” Tweek whispered. Craig’s grip on him strengthened.

“I wish you would have told me. But there’s nothing we can do about that now. I still trust you. I’d trust you with anything and everything. So please trust me. And promise that you won’t do anything to hurt yourself anymore. Pills, razors, anything.”

“I promise,” Tweek said.

“If you slip up, it’s okay, just tell me and we’ll try to find out the problem behind that one.”

“You’re so forgiving.”

“I’d forgive you for murder.”

“That’s a bit far.”

“Not in my opinion.” Tweek snorted upon hearing that. He eventually managed to wriggle out of Craig’s grasp and simply lay on the bed for a brief moment before Craig pulled him close.

“Tweek, don’t ever leave me again. I really thought you were gone. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know if I would have made it if you had died,”

“I’m not going to, after this, I could never bring myself to try again. I couldn’t do that. I thought it would fix your problems too, but you seem very attached to me.”

“I don’t want to ever let you go.”

“Quite literally attached to me apparently.” Tweek nestled in Craig’s embrace, revelling in the warmth. He didn’t care if it was noon on a school day, he wanted to fall asleep. Craig noticed as Tweek’s breathing slowed and tried to calm his anxieties.

“You’re going to take another nap? You just woke up from a long one,” he joked weakly.

“Like I give a damn. I’m comfortable and getting revenge for when you broke into my fucking house.”

“I didn’t break-in, you let me in.”

“You climbed a tree to get in my window, I had no choice.”

“You could’ve let me fall.”

“No,” Tweek playfully snapped.

“Whatever, don’t blame me if you can’t sleep tonight.”

“If I can’t sleep tonight, you sure as hell won’t be able to.”

Craig smiled, squeezing Tweek’s body gently.

“I love you. I really love you.”

“More than you should.”

“No, I think it’s fine.”

Craig closed his eyes to enjoy holding his lover, something he would never take for granted again.


End file.
